I’ve been trying to avoid writing about this subject for a while now but no matter how hard I try to escape or avert my attention, this ‘thing’ keeps slamming right into my face! I seriously don’t want to write about this but call it a ‘Higher Power’ or whatever you want, is invisibly guiding my fingers to type this post out. So fine. I surrender to the ‘calling’ and will type it out….
Despite the very negative sounding title, I will never be able to fight the fact that I am a ‘duh’, blindingly optimistic sap who keeps believing in hope and solutions. It’s just how God made me and who I am so people who hate sunny, positive people and keep cribbing about wanting to die…please go right ahead. To those who may think that the previous sentence sounded mean and bitter, it was not aimed at real people with real emotional problems but more at the pseudo’s of the world who don’t really have a crap life but go out of their way to ensure that crap happens to them. That fact out of the way.
There are so many things that go wrong with relationships, it is hard to even know where to begin to address the problem. Do relationships sour because of severe gender disparities? Do they sour because of differences in economic/financial class and status? Does my educational pedigree determine the outcome of who I am with or what happens in my relationship? Perhaps the problem lies with culture and ethnicity? Religion is not a bad reason either. Sometimes it’s family structure and values – that mother you can’t stand, that pain-in-the-ass sister, that domineering and patronizing brother or father, that loose cannon brother/sister, the black sheep of the family, overbearing parents/grandparents, rigid patriarchy/matriarchy, rigid hierarchy etc. etc. and yes, etc. Perhaps it’s emotional upheaval – distance, drifting apart, ambitions changing, personality changing etc. etc. and yes again, etc. Infidelity is a very popular reason too. Sometimes one person is the’ doormat’, sometimes you’re the one using the ‘doormat’ a little too shamelessly. One person leads, the other follows – one of you gets tired of doing the leading/following and decide to ‘change it up!’ – the other one of you is not too happy with it. Lying is a big problem too – lying to your partner, lying to your friends, lying to yourself – probably the last one is the biggest of the three. The victim mentality, defensive nature, protective measures and steps to guard yourself, the ‘being-an-ass’ to keep people out etc. So, in probably less than a hundred words is an entire summary of what ruins relationships. Look at this paragraph right here. Measure the size of this paragraph, the length, syntax errors, grammatical structures or whatever it is you want to measure and analyze. That’s all it took to ruin a relationship…
What do we do?
I wish I knew or had the answer because I honestly am completely stumped. Why do we enter into relationships? Why do they fail? Why are we never happy with it? Why do we always find problems with it? A lot of the time, people use relationships as emotional crutches to support themselves in areas where they falter. I should have put that up as one of the leading causes of relationship deaths. In my case, the need to be loved and to give all my love was my own crutch. In hindsight, there are enough people in the world who need love – family, siblings, friends, co-workers, strangers in distress, animals etc. etc. – they also return love most of the time. We look for big gestures and declarations but it sometimes comes down to the little things like keeping your word, following through, your deeds and actions that speak volumes about your love for a person, cause, pet etc.
To my friends who are in relationships, just getting out of one or considering entering into one, this is the only thing I can share with you – abandon all illusions. You cannot make, force, coerce anyone into doing or feeling anything that they do not want to do or feel for themselves. You have to learn to let go. You are with a person not a puppet or toy or a mind-reader who will bend to all your demands or needs unless you learn to tackle your own needs and demands for yourself first. Make yourself happy. Take care of yourself. If you know you have issues to deal with, I don’t think a relationship is the best idea for you. If you realize that you have issues and are already in a relationship, you need to talk to the other person about it because ending it might be the best for the both of you and yet at times, ending it doesn’t solve anything as it can be one person putting their selfish needs over the other person’s well-being! Everyone’s relationship is different, at different stages and different places. You will have to decide the best course of action for yourself, nobody but the person you’re involved with and you can make that decision. You will never be able to be 100% sure of any relationship – where it’s going, if it will last, if the person is right for you – but the one thing you can do is make sure you’re the happy and fulfilled individual first. I will not call it selfishness because it has such negative connotations to it but it’s more like being the ‘good gardener’. If you won’t tend to yourself then how do you expect others to treat you? Weeds begin to grow and just seem to multiply till all other life gets snuffed out.
In our lives, we have little guest ‘gardeners’ who will come in and pluck a few weeds, put a little fertilizer here and there and help our garden grow. But the bulk of the responsibility lies with you. Look after yourself first and rather than trying to control the situation or the person and outcome, lead by example and learn to let go and accept. Have a little courage, it doesn’t hurt. To live your life cowering in fear is far worse.
There is no one easy way or answer to making relationships work. It takes a lot of hard work. A lot. It takes a lot of honesty too, not just with the other person but with yourself. When it ends, if feels like a part of your life ended with it. But here’s the thing – your whole life did not stop. One chapter ended and plenty of others will begin. Give yourself the time to grieve and be and do stupid things. It feels good. You do not have to have all the answers and always have it together. Then give yourself a good slap in the face to know when to stop and get your garden in order. This is not just for relationships that have ended but the same thing applies to problems and misunderstandings that come up in relationships (of all types). Argue, fight, talk etc. etc. It’s all part and parcel of being in a relationship. But then learn to give yourself a good slap in the face, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get to work finding a solution and reaching a solution with the other person.
mymusingsaday 